inspired

Photo

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 01:20:32 -0700

over it~

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 00:04:47 -0700

Yup, I’m prolly gonna give GT the strike 3.

Things would have gone a completely different way, if it was meant to be.

them players

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:42:00 -0700

To say that I’m not still attracted to them is a lie. But I know that I don’t want them anymore.

I hadn’t been dating all this time to not have come across all the good and bad qualities that are out there. All the signs that I notice and my gut reactions to them seem pretty reliable now. And I’m proud to say, no longer going unnoticed. I’ve found that it is easier for me to forego the novelty and the curiosity of a guy in the face of everything I’ve been through.

In the last few months, I’ve met a lot of new guys. It’s rather interesting the kinds of people you meet, some easy to read, some that will never be read (and some blatantly disgusting! think annoyingly-persistent-guy-who-got-in-my-car-and-wouldn’t-leave). I am still going by the practice of giving everyone something of a chance (unless of course I already know it’s meaningless).

Currently, I’m “talking” to GT, if it can even be called that. It should be more accurate to say that we’re not, actually. I like being able to acknowledge something for what I feel that it is, on founded experience, whereas in the past, I probably would have hastily begun labeling or been caught up in feelings that I didn’t know how to identify accurately. GT is the classic case of badboy, in my books. Though he’s hot and we have some crazy sexual attraction, I don’t really see anything to look forward to here. I mean, I’ll be nice, pass the time, but I don’t want to be seriously involved with a guy like him. I like what he says and the idea of him, but I have no idea about anything else about him. It’s been probably less than 5hours that we’ve seen and talked to each other in person. Plus, his idea of a first date was laughable - I’m not considering it a first date at all. We played with his dog, played a little basketball, went to a boba place, talked in and on his car, and he got himself all worked up by how physically attracted he was to me ahahah. I was honestly more amused than flattered. But yeah, definitely not my idea of a great date. Sorry bud! There have literally been quite a few guys who’ve done so much better. And I have the insight now to genuinely know it :)

I’m just watching to see how it plays out, but I’ll actually be looking elsewhere for sure.

the worst date ever.

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:15:46 -0700

Lots of lessons learned tonight.

Back story: I met a guy named Eric at Sloane two weekends ago, and might have made out with him, but obviously I could care less, because that really means nothing to me standing alone. To be fair, that night, I was being just a little more tipsy and open to possibly getting physical… (*BY THE WAY, this was the same night before I had to sober up and take care of both Cam and Jul, before Jul had a crazy crazy night that involved going to the hospital, spending the night at an alcohol rehab place, losing her new car keys, and almost not being able to get into her apartment.)

1.) If it is clear that he is going to be a douche just trying to get some, he is a douche just trying to get some. He will try to say things to get you to think otherwise, but there are just some things/actions that will give him away, as long as you are always looking out and being rational.

2.) If I don’t know the guy, definitely do not let him pick me up, either from my home or anywhere. Tonight, if he had picked me up, he might have taken me back to his place or not have taken me home. He was THAT persistent and horny.

3.) Give them a chance, but when it is no longer deserved, it is fine to retract it and leave. It might have been wasted time, but no more than that needs to be wasted.

just thinking

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:57:51 -0700

I ran into PSC tonight, randomly, on the street. I was with coworkers at a creperie truck someplace near my work, 4hours of hh and a smoke after work. and he taps me, I turn around, and it’s him. we said hi, and we do a little half-embrace. and then we kind of stopped talking. he might have asked me a question or something. and then yeah, I didn’t know what was next/else to do. I wanted our group to move, but we stayed, while he and his friend ordered crepes, and even until after he got it. he came and said bye as he left, and I don’t think I said anything, just smiled stiffly, and was probably really awkward.

I don’t think I feel sad but I just kind of wish that it didn’t happen. I liked not seeing/knowing/and caring. well at least I can say I don’t really care, it’s not like all of a sudden I am wishing for him. this encounter just prompts me to wonder about my next. wanting my next…

"There are two things you should never waste your time on: things that don’t matter, and people that..."

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 21:19:04 -0700

““There are two things you should never waste your time on: things that don’t matter, and people that think you don’t matter.””

- Linda Poindexter

Photo

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 19:13:13 -0700

lazy day today

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 21:00:30 -0700

This week, David+Gabi and mom and dad are off on a cruise to Mexico. I wish I was on vacation too!! I wonder if it’ll be awkward. I guess I’ll know laterr.

So anyway, I’m taking a time out, just hanging out with myself. Watched some TV. I’m enjoying the silence. And then I randomly decided to check out PSC’s page. Turns out he’s still out there doing god knows what with his life, which is cool, whatever, life’s going on. I did laugh upon seeing that he had lost his phone.

Last week, he made lazy contact by sending me a picture to tell me that he was near where I lived. And that’s when I got it. It was like clock-work. This is nearly two weeks after that other lazy contact to go get coffee together. And THAT was another two weeks after I broke up with him. Basically, it’s not wrong to assume that he was in some kind of routine or I dunno, some weird pattern of thinking. Anyway, I liked that I was brief with him after breaking up with him, was able to turn down the coffee invite, and also flat out ignored that last picture message. There’s nothing to say anymore, so really, what’s the point of him trying to get in touch with me. I was laughing at the fact that he lost his phone because now, it’s pretty much for sure that he won’t ever contact me again - he doesn’t have my number anymore!! hahaha. While I was slightly amused/flattered (hey, I can get an ego stroke out of this too!)/curious to see how far he would take his bullshit with this lazy communication, it’s kinda nice to feel now that eh, it won’t ever happen anymore anyway. Kinda funny too.

I came to realize that, it wasn’t all about me. He himself is not the right guy for anyone right now, and for whoever it turns out to be, best of luck. Finding things out about him, such as the kinds of people he hangs out with (creeps at bars, and few close friends), his promiscuous history (includes the fact that he’s messed around on girls more than once, that he seemed not to be over his ex that he cheated on; and they’re not friends anymore), and the lifestyle in general that he’s leading (flaking, disappearing, very solitary and mysterious)… — he looks good on paper, and seemed to be what I wanted, or whatever, but there’s a lot about him that is not healthy. Plus it became apparent to me that his true, normal, not-trying-to-impress, natural state of being, it was coming out. He couldn’t keep up the facade he’d had on about being such a great guy, etc. And I’m shrugging this off.

I can finally clearly see the picture. With every new dating experience, I’m honing what it is that I want. I am learning what I’m attracted to, but I am also learning the limits of that attraction. There are some things that, despite how irrational and romantical I can get over the attraction, I think I will never forget. When I was truly naive, I had let some things slide, accepted some things that I should never accept. There are some boundaries that I know to uphold now, and some uncomfortable situations that I will recognize and not let myself be in anymore. I will take all these, and keep them as lessons learned.

I may be picky, but I hope that I’ll find what I’m looking for.

Photo

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 16:44:13 -0700

"Scars are but evidence of life,” Coquette said. “Evidence of choices to be learned from…evidence of..."

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 16:40:34 -0700

““Scars are but evidence of life,” Coquette said. “Evidence of choices to be learned from…evidence of wounds…wounds inflicted of mistakes…wounds we choose to allow the healing of. We likewise choose to see them, that we may not make the same mistakes again.””

- Marcia Lynn McClure

Photo

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 23:56:12 -0700

i've been taking really bad care of myself

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 23:52:02 -0700

It’s weird that lately (well, actually, morst of the time), I expend so much time and effort on me, but I still feel like I have been actually NEGLECTING myself overall. It doesn’t really make sense, but why does it feel like I haven’t made any progress on doing what I profess that I’m always doing.

I thought that I’d been putting the focus on myself to explore what makes me better, and to build on that. I try to think about what makes me happy, and I’m even guilty of being selfish in that sense. I want to do the things that I want to do, to fulfil that idea of taking care of me and my needs and my wants.

But I’m noticing fundamental ways that contradict this. Physically, I haven’t been taking good care of myself. I don’t eat as healthily as I could, I am haphazard with my habits, I don’t feel even close to being 100%. Granted, currently, work has taken over my life… As soon as my schedule gets better, I should rest more and get my act together.

this morning is such a bad morning :(

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 07:09:23 -0700

After last week, it felt like everything should be ok with me now. I reconciled the whole ordeal with PSC to reality (re-categorized him in my mind and also got to turn him down when he wanted to see me for coffee), my pb days came and went, and workload at work is starting to feel a little more manageable (I love giant budgets).

But when I woke up this morning, a whole slew of other matters attacked my mind while I was still lying in bed, making me sad. I really missed my mom (I texted her that right away), and I started thinking about my life and wondered if I was doing okay, in terms of where I’m at. I don’t know, it was like a random moment of self analyzing and suddenly I felt like I had put on goggles of a different perspective and was looking at myself through them.

Some thoughts that struck me:
1. I didn’t feel 100% happy with the present.
2. I felt lonely (and in doing so, I always think of the last- in this case PSC, but fortunately I think I’d moved forward enough with the past week not to be counterproductively bothered)
3. I realized I might have been speaking too harshly and too self-righteously to my dad about things that suddenly seemed insignificant.
4. I don’t feel as confident as I’d been…

On top of all the above- today is Monday. And I missed the train just as I stepped onto the platform, just as its doors were closing -___- stupid train.

Photo

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 06:45:27 -0700

you underestimated me

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:30:24 -0800

I’m the only one who gets to judge me.

Photo

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:27:21 -0800

"Pandora, since when did you suddenly become so amazing. I’m sorry for abandoning you :["

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:16:28 -0800

“Pandora, since when did you suddenly become so amazing. I’m sorry for abandoning you :[”

i'm young and stupid.

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 07:33:09 -0800

Yesterday, I cut off the dating with PSC. It was for myself, because I was starting to feel hurt. I was starting to be emotionally attached, and wanting more, even though I wasn’t sure if he necessarily was what I truly wanted. And that is when it got dangerous, and I knew, based on how we were interacting already (which was limited, not connected, and ambiguous), that there was not gonna be a way for me to find out.

In my prideful heart, this is the sad realization that I already knew, as I brought it up to him.

He already stopped liking me. In the beginning, when he did, it was very obvious. I did not have to wonder, and things were very smooth - it was the efforts of both people. When the shift happened, and it was no longer easy to tell, that was the moment it became clear. That the effort of one person was already gone, and without it, there’s nothing left.
He was more than capable of hurting me, and was very likely to. I even suspect that he was trying to hint at me, while telling me about his dating history, that I should listen to his warning. It was pretty much his way of saying that I was not the one that he would make a priority - he was still looking for the person that was right for him, and it’s not me.

Logically, to walk away is the right thing to do. Why hang around for someone who doesn’t like me, and is going to hurt me, and seems to know that it would definitely happen? Why hang around for someone who doesn’t want to connect with me. And, to be real, we barely knew each other. It makes sense that we couldn’t have gone on - there was nothing for any relationship to build upon.

I am hurt by the fact that it was definitely rejection, of course. But it also hurts because I had to understand that I am young and inexperienced. Obviously, us being 4 years apart in age caused some of the rift in thinking, but apparently, it was very clear to him how “young” I was in terms of what I knew, how little I knew about dating, and how unaware I was of what I was doing to make that come across. I wanted to think that I had been mature through the whole thing, and that I knew what I was doing, and in control of myself and the situations that I was in. I thought I had been doing a good job of that. But I guess if I look back, it had really been a new experience for me. I feel like I had been learning the whole time, and I was navigating through my moments of seeing him, without a road map. I was blindly just moving forward on my faith and limited experience, and I guess, if you think of me as a tourist in a new place who tries to look like they know where they’re going, you can still pick up the vibe by looking at them that they can’t mask their uncertainty and misdirection. I felt like I was putting my best foot forward, and getting shot down while you are at your supposed best, it’s a humbling and embarrassing feeling. I felt like I got put in place - I try/tried to be who I think I should be, and I’m not there yet. It scares me, and also makes me want to be that person.

While romantic feelings for PSC still linger, I also developed a great gratitude towards him. He could have been very indecent towards me, he could have played me so hard. He had the experience to, while I was clearly an easy easy easy target to manipulate. It’s as though I unknowingly dodged a bullet, and that is a very scary thought. By some good karma, by the fact that maybe he felt too guilty to go through with it, he stayed his hand, and I was spared. My heart drops, just imagining how badly it would have been for me, if he hadn’t decided to come clean and be honest with me, and cared about how stupidly I would have fallen for it.

I wonder how much more experience I got from this. How much longer do I have to date, and how many more people will I have to get to know/be vulnerable to/get hurt over before I become someone that PSC would have approved of? I want to be that standard. I want to be someone that somebody who is picky will choose.

jenn found her man!

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 05:58:55 -0800

I’m so happy for her! And it always feels good to be able to say “I told you so” (cuz I totally called that ish.)

This reminds me that it shouldn’t take so long when it’s meant to be like that. It shouldn’t be so hard when the other person means it like that. It shouldn’t feel like you are constantly being dumped or unwanted.

Why must I try to be with someone who makes me question everything: about the situation, how he feels, and myself as a I am. I will walk away, on this note. At least up through this point, I still have my dignity. He can keep his. No hard feelings.

I suppose I’ll have to give up my shirt… (well, actually, I still want it back. I’ll figure it out.)

today may been my best single valentine's day

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 23:36:54 -0800

It feels like I finally learned some things today about myself and about what it really means to have a certain perspective when dealing with people. I was happy for the entire day, in the sense that I was very much at peace and didn’t wonder very much about the things I’d been preoccupied with lately.

I suppose it didn’t hurt that I got some closure. And a sense that I got to express how okay I was. I wonder why he even asked today.

Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter anymore. And that feels crazy good.